Back at home finally and already been to work!
Felt quite tired really.
Saturday went on a day tour to kota tinggi to view fireflies...
That was a long day and i can't say that i totally enjoyed myself.
Oh well.
New year is coming.
Gifts to distribute as well.
And my cat missed me.
Sunday, December 29, 2002
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
One thing i enjoy most during this trip is the little incidents from out of the blue which happened to make my interaction with the locals more interesting...
For example, we decided on the spur of the moment, while on our way to the museum on this cold windy christmas morning, to step into the corner shop at the end of the street which looked a little interesting. After looking around for a short moment, we decided that things were quite expensive and it's was just selling handicrafts from other countries like peru and mexico. We were just about to leave when the lady owner started talking to us in rapid japanese so we told her we were foreigners. She stepped out for a while and just as we were stepping out of the door, she appeared with two cups of japanese coffee for us. And before we knew it, we were sitting on the couch having coffee and trying to converse in my quarter-baked japanese from the language guide while she was telling us about the various items in the store. We didn't buy anything in the end but i think she didn't mind. Not a bad morning on the whole though a little side-tracked from our original agenda.
Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 24, 2002
On reading my blog, he commented that i have forgotten to write about Midnight Blue and meeting important people... like the chairman from Shell.
Hmm.
Well, midnight blue is a pay-to-view porn channel which you have to pay Y500 for 12hours worth of naked nubile, big booby (his dictation) japanese babes engaging in various sexual activities with really ugly japanese men. What can i say? Its a channel for the males and perverts. (Same implications for him i suspect) Anyway, most of the important bits (ugly or otherwise) are pixelated.
And the chainman and his wife?
Nice people and they bought us dinner.
Frankly, I think that's it.
Being in Fukuoka is a really different holidaying experience than other backpacking trips or even the short trip out to nagasaki. Here, because of him, we are more involved in a different level than being just an accidental tourist bumping into sights and situations. To have people of a different culture know you a little more than just nodding their head as you walked pass and be more involved in their daily lives. Of course this is just work-level and not much else but it is still insightful and different from being just a simple tourist.
We were just invited to the museum staff annual thanksgiving party before the museum is closed for the holiday. Everyone was gathered into the conference room, from the cleaning aunties, the security guards, the museum's attendants and the adminstration staff, including the museum chairman and secretary general. Everyone stood formally around assorted sushi, food and drinks (beers, sake, juices) catered for the occasion while a member of the staff introduced the chairman to give a thankyou speech. I had no idea what he said other than "gambatte ne" and to nod when others nod their heads. Then drinks were offered but no one is suppose to drink until the official toast is offered by the secretary general. It is all quite formal but everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, even the cleaning lady was busy asking us to drink our sake and eat.
PART III
Dejima, Chinatown, Spectacles Bridge, Sofukuji Temple, Glover Garden
- Dejima was being restored as we walked through the little island. Tons of things had changed since the dutch was here. They used this little island off the coast of nagasaki sea port (mainly reclaimed land now so the "island" is really inland rather than an island) to contain the dutch during the 1600s when christianity was prohibited but trade was still opened.
- Chinatown was pretty vibrant and more money was spent for lunch and knick-knacks. Famous food in Nagasaki are called the Chompon and Sara Udon. The former tasting alot like cabbage-soupy noodles with meat and assorted stuff while the latter is alot like hong kong noodle (i.e. fried crispy noodles) draped in a gravy with the same ingredients like the Chompon. Speaking of food, we had rice handroll from the local convenience store for Y120 almost everyday for lunch till we are almost sick of it. Well, it was nice while it lasted.
- Spectacles bridge was only interesting because of the carps that swam in the waters and the hawks flying above us.
- Sofukuji built by chinese residents in the 1600s. Ma zu is being worshipped here and there is an old chinese cemetary beside the temple. Being the only port open to the rest of the world during the national isolation period, this is the only city in japan with a continual influx of portuguese, dutch, chinese and korean nationals. So i guess it is also the usual habit of chinese people to build ma zu temple wherever they landed to ensure harmonious sea voyages.
- Glover garden has the japan's oldest western-style wooden house. Again, another example of the presence of Europeans in Japan, but only in Nagasaki mainly due to its role as an trading post. Lots of influencial europeans, including the most famous, Thomas Blake Glover who aided overthrowing the shogunate and in establishing a constitutional government in Japan. But the garden itself is really just a collection of old houses (some relocated from other places) in the formal european settlement in Nagasaki, overlooking the harbour.
PART II
Night View on Mount Inasa, Ropeway, Nagasaki City
After walking 1.5km from the tram stop, we reach the ropeway station situated next to a japanese shrine, at the bottom of Mount Inasa. Mt Inasa is 333m high and it took us around 5 minutes up the ropeway. It has a fantastic night view of Nagasaki city below and the night was clear but cold and windy. There's a nice little italian restaurant where couples go to to enjoy a nice romantic dinner. A nice couple helped us take a photo, the guy had insisted that his girl count out 1,2,3 in japanese, and she did it in a cute camera-assistant fashion with her fingers held up high. All of us had a good laugh.
Shimabara Castle, Shimabara
An hour and a half away by the JR train is Shimabara.
Some thoughts on Shimabara...
Coastal town with greying skies
of castle upon the hill
of Geronimo and christian faith
of children playing on warrior alley
of tatami mats and waxed figurines
of smoking volcano overlooking
of lake which appeared over night
of mountain springs sprouting through people's homes
of my very own cat nirvana
of carps swimming through our paths
of common pets
of birds waiting for a morsel of fish
of rice dumplings in clam broth
of greying skies and misty mountain ranges...
Huis Ten Borsh
Pseudo holland city recreated painstakenly over a reclaimed area that's twice the size of tokyo disneyland, an hour away bus ride away from Nagasaki City. Impressive if not a little fake with windmills and what nots. Needless to say, we spent a bomb at this place buying gifts and other unnecessary purchases. The weather was fantastic, with the sun shining and blue skies, perfect for pictures. Half the time we did not understand what was going on during the various theme rides/shows but it was funny nonetheless. They make good cheese and i particularly liked the cream cheese cubes doused in soya sauce ala agedashi tofu manner. We did not buy any cheese though. A wedding was going on at the replicated queen's (of holland i assume) castle where the happy couple was getting up onto a horse carriage during a cold winter evening where everyone was freezing their butts off. The lucky wedding guests gets to ride in a heated bus though. Quaint place and quite kitsch really...
Alright. Spent the last 4 days in Nagasaki and pretty much covered everything in that small city. Some of the places and thoughts i have of the place, wont be much and not sure if i will ever get down to elaborate once they passes my mind...
PART I
Nagasaki City (accomodation)
Was staying in a little minshuku (ming2 shu4) or inn just behind the bus terminal. The inn keeper was very nice and spoke little english though on first glance the place looked really dodgy and old. There is a common bath and toilet, and we slept on tatami mats... In general, a very japanese inn experience and the place sort of grows on you. The heating was adequate and the inn-keeper puts out the bath for us each time we come back after a long day which was really nice. This must be my first experience of bathing, the japanese way, where you scrub yourself up, rinsed before soaking in a bathtub full of hot water. Very very relaxing and soothing really. I can see why japanese enjoy this. After the bath, we put on japanese robes and drink green tea and eat little cakes. All this and quite cheap (in japan standards) as well, as long as you do not mind the smell of kerosene in the middle of the night from the hallway heater.
Nagasaki City (transport)
Nothing much interesting about this except they uses tram mainly and its generally cheaper than buses (Y100 for one way to anywhere within the city) though the coverage is not as extensive as the buses. Still, it gets you to most sights in Nagasaki itself.
Atomic Bomb Museum, Peace Garden, Hypocentre
These places are just about 5 tram stops away from the main railway station (nagasaki eki) and not difficult to find. It is actually still quite disturbing to think about the bomb and it sort of tinted my thoughts for a bit. And i would be wondering would i be still left alive while visiting various parts of the city, when the bomb dropped? The A bomb museum was very informative about the effects and explained what exactly happened when the bomb exploded on august 9th at 11.02am. It is quite unimaginable how much devastation it has caused within 3 seconds of detonation. It is not a memory bear remembering nor a memory easily forgotten. The videos depleting the victims was too horrifying for words. It was not a museum meant to garner just sympathy for the victims nor push the blame on the Allied forces. In fact, they have been quite candid about their role in world war two as well. I think facts would be facts and it is already horrifying enough without anymore embellishment. The main thing is, no one wants to have a repeat of that or to have a nuclear war on our hands. Everyone else is someone elses family and loved ones.
To confess, i did not enjoy this experience in the museum very much. While going around the peace garden, i was quite ambivalent towards a war that had happened before my generation and there has not been much meaning in it for me personally but once you are confronted by what a war and do, listen to what the victims had to say, touched the very items which had stood in the presence of that war, it is difficult to remain detached and feel ambivalent or even academic about it. I guess i have finally stepped out of the history books and breathed real air.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Well, one week down and I am still stuck in Fukuoka with only 5 more days to spare. And that's including the time needed for the sights i have not seen in the Fukuoka Prefecture yet. Now i am sitting in the museum without lunch and not knowing if there would be a dinner.
Never fool around with Father time, we are always the one who end up losing out.
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
Being in a new place also meant that i have become more adventurous in the things that i eat.
Things that i wouldn't actually try if i was back home.
For example:
different types of fish roe
chicken liver
chicken heart
chicken lungs
pig lungs
all other parts of innards of various animals
I just close my eyes and bite into it.
In any case, most of the time they don't look like what i imagined them to be and its easy to think that they are perfectly edible
Of Nakatsu and Pachinko
Even though Japan is supposed to be the land of the raising sun, i have yet to wake up early enough to see any sun raising (not as if the gloomy misty weather is going to help much in this aspect), but what i have done so far was to get a real good feel for the night scene in this town. Nothing comes up more vividly than the experiences of eating dinners and more dinners, hence my protential weight problem. Every night is a different cruisine and different eating experience, whereas day seems to pass by in a blur, being trapped most of the daylight hours inside the asian art museum.
Nakatsu is one of the more famous night life venues in the whole of kyushu. Its bright neon signs and the numerous yatai along the river is quite a well-known picture to most tourists in the region. However, i would hesitate to recommend any women travelling solo along to walk along the inner streets beyond its neon lights as Nakatsu is also infamous for being the "unofficial" red-light districit. As my japanese friend tells me, "there are not such thing as a red-light districit in japan, well not officially anyway". There are rows and rows of strip joints thinly disguised as pubs along the streets of Nakatsu where men in black suits stand waiting. Innocently, while walking through the area with friends, i remarked at the number of "cute" guys standing around, abeitedly looking quite menacing as they seldom smile, only to be told that they are really pimps. These men are dressed well and looked really neat, in fact a few looked as though they had make-up on and tweaked their eyebrows. According to friends, these men would come up to only male customers (without any female companions) and offer them photographs of the "wares" they have. If a deal is struck, the customers would be brought into the inner sanctum of these pubs to have a "closer encounter" i assume. Occasionally, there are also the "products" displaying themselves along the streets. I just had to take a closer look at this girl (who must be older than i am) dressed up in a tiny little sailormoon/student costume chatting up one of the men on the streets. Further on there were other back alleys and pubs which i did not dare to venture as it became increasingly seedy. Half-jokingly, i wondered out loud if black is the official uniform of such pimps because they are from the mafia, only to be told that only the yakuzas would be engaging in such businesses in the first place.
Nakatsu is also the home of numerous pachinko parlours. I guess it is a little like those jackpot machines we have up in genting but a sight rather rare in Singapore. Last night, we decided to follow a friend into one to experience another local favourite pastime. The first impression i had was the tremendous volume of noise in the place. It is brightly lit with rows upon rows of pachinko machines lined up. First, we had to change our money (Y2000 for starters) into a little farecard before we select one of the machines (seems like there are a few variations of different animations) and start playing. Once the farecard is slotted in, a rush of tiny little metal balls were released into a "drain" at the bottom of the machine near our lap (500 balls at a time). To play, all you had to do was to turn a knob on the side to shoot the balls into something that looks like a vertical pin ball machine. The aim is simple, get the ball into a little hole in the middle to start the jackpot rolling. Sounds simple? Not exactly because the hole is really small and before you know it, 500 balls can disappear before your jackpot even start to roll. Each ball fallen into the hole meant one chance at hitting the jackpot. The animations of the jackpot are rather cute and designed in such a way to entice you further. For example, just when you thought you might have lost, there could suddenly be a chance to hit the third correct number again. It is not difficult to feel the rush of excitement when you do hit the jackpot and start on the bonus round where every ball you bounce into the hole (now wider therefore meaning greater chance), will result in more balls being released into your little "drain" which you then have to released into a basket below to prevent the "drain" from overflowing.
Luck must be on our side that night in the pachinko parlour because within fifteen minutes into the first 500balls, we managed to jackpot once and by the end of the evening (around 2 hours) we had continuous jackpots and filled up 5 baskets of tiny metal balls. I think we were pretty giddy by the end of it and i could see why gambling can be so addictive, especially when you are winning. Well, officially, once you have those basket of balls counted individually (i think we had around 125,000 balls approximately) by the machine, you can use the tokens given to exchange for gifts like toys or even ladies handbags. But more importantly, or rather unofficially, you can take those tokens to the back alley and exchange them for cold hard cash. I think it is not difficult to figure out what we decide to go for. There is a certain amount of danger involve, holding on to the tokens and giving them to this little obscured window in the side lane where you cannot see them, and they cannot see you. All in all, we managed to win around 45,600yen with just 500yen worth of balls since there are still 1,500yen of credit left on our farecard. I think i can still hear the little sound of cash register going *kaching kaching* in my head amidst the drone of the pachinko machine in the background.
Like i say, i think i know why gambling is so addictive now and it certainly take two clear-minded individuals to walk out of the place loaded with cash and not have the urge to stay on playing (actually, it was already closing time). I was still grinning like an idiot when we decided to buy our friend coffee and cake afterwards with our winnings. In any case, after waking up in the morning and knowing that such "luck" can't possibly sustain forever and knowing all the horror stories of mothers abandoning their children playing pachinko, we were able to take such winnings of chance in our stride.
After all, we only have 1,500 balls left and i promise that once that's finished we wouldn't play anymore.
Really.
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
The finer art in eating yakitori.
First, it taste better with beer.
Then you need raw cabbages doused in vinegar dressing to clear the after taste.
Next comes all sort of yakitori ranging from the innards to vegetables, my personal favourite is mushroom wrapped with bacon.
Then when you finish the yakitori, you toss the little sticks into the container (not unlike a miniture version of a divinity lot holder) provided.
Sometimes you can order other little dishes such as grilled pig trotters and agedashi mochi (a kind of stick rice) to go along with the meal.
Everyone is huddled in a small little room where there are hardly any space to sit cross legged.
In any case, ladies are not expected to sit cross legged.
Frankly speaking, i think i have enough yakitori for the rest of my trip but i wouldn't mind more of that grilled rice ball please.
Windy in Hakata.
Sounds of deep bells along the pavements
of rattling wires on lamp-posts.
Watching banners bellowing like sails
sailing across our journey towards...
Lights shimmering like stars
outlining the rustling trees
baring all in the winter's night.
Blown off course, we travelled onwards
numbed with cold.
Yatai...
Perhaps one of a more local japanese culinary experience. Sitting huddled together in winter with other people in a temporary little wooden hut, drinking beer and eating ramen or yakitori has its definite charms. Beer seems to taste better served in little glasses, ramen has more flavour in the cold and damn, if you do not feel a certain comradeship with the dude in a suit next to you. You can sit there and grin like an idiot over the conversation you do not understand and still no one would think the worse of you. Perhaps everyone is just intoxicated after a long day's work and having one glass too many but isn't that the point?
Monday, December 16, 2002
Ah... Japan, the land of Vending Machines (VM)?
It is quite amazing to see that there are at least two VMs at every street corner around here. You can buy almost anything from one of this ideally located VMs. From the conventional hot/cold drinks to ciggies to the not-so-conventional items such as sandwiches, snacks, condoms, pay-per-view tv card, fare card, maps and even a bowl of ramen, pipping hot ready for consumption. In a way, it probably helps to create little personal oasis in their daily lives where there is no need to face another human to get what you want and you can be a hermit amidst this lush urban environment. Yet, this is a country that prides itself in terms of their service towards others. I must admit their sales staff is the most helpful and polite i have seen anywhere else. Just try stepping into a departmental store, they actually pay people to stand at the door to hand out sweets and say goodbye even if you have just been looking only. At least i did not feel bad when i did not buy anything unlike certain places where they don't bother to even look at you once they see how you are dressed. So it is a little strange to me to witness how this do-it-yourself system co-exist within a culture seeped in rigid hierachical protocols, strict service attitudes, and need of maintaining veneers of respectibility.
We alternate between having to do everything ourselves and having everything done for us. It all stems from this visit to a nearby VM cafe where people were buying lunch like ramens, sandwiches and drinks from rows of different VMs and eating them on the tables/chairs provided before disposing the bowls/cups into the bins provided. No waiter or host was needed. After seeing this cafe, we had dinner at this eating place where the host (a 80yr old lady) insisted on serving us everything throughout the dinner. It is an interesting contradiction in experiences. In any case, this is only my fifth day here and i hardly profess to know everything about Japan. It is probably just the tourist speaking but still, it makes interesting food for thoughts doesn't it?
Sunday, December 15, 2002
Fukuoka is quite cold now... though i expect places like to tokyo to be much colder. Heard that it was snowing. Wont mind seeing snow actually. Was thinking of mt aso but heard its below zero degC now and inconvenient cos bad public transport... Similar to natural onsens (hot springs) since they are usually not along the main road which means its better if you have your own transport. HmmMm rent a car in japan? Perhaps, perhaps not.
So far, i have not been doing much during the last 3 days (this is my fourth day morning), other than wating at Fukuoka Asian Art Museum (or FAAM for short) visiting various museums and walking around downtown. He is working very hard at NHK which is the TV station here, editing his videos, so i hardly get to see him except during dinner. In the meantime, our friend (singaporean, who is coordinating his piece for the museum) and another japanese friend from tokyo (who had came down to liase and research in the museam) has been bringing me around for lunch and checking out the various museums. I even went to Kyushu University to have a look around and sat in for one of the art critic presentation in an old classroom (the uni was 100yrs old and nothing much have changed i gathered from the grime) because my friends were looking for an art journal there. Not exactly your usual tourist sport ya? Then there was checking out the xmas decos at the nearby canal city... expensive stuff there and coffee aint cheap... that`s all i can say... I think i have to rethink my souvenir strategy abit...
Anyway though i have only been here for 3 days, it certainly felt like its been more. Probably because i am not exactly doing anything that a normal tourist should be doing, hence there was no urgency to "milk the milage" of my visit yet. It has been quite relaxing and infact boring at times as i am really just waiting for him to finish. I think the gear will pick up in a bit when his finalize his work.
Okie dok. Time for lunch now... I think i am going to put on weight when i get home... Sigh...
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Went to visit grandma first today before running a few errands before i fly off. Got some dog food for my dog. The pet shop ran out of the 15kg pack, so i had to buy 3 small packs to tide over this period while i am gone. Also bought a scratching pole for my cat. He is sniffing at it quite earnestly now but has not start scratching it yet. Perhaps i have to show him how? :D
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Things screwed up again...
I think i have the most inept paternal extended family. Stories of our family would be more dramatic than your usual mediacorp channel 8 fare... heck, it would be way to dramatic than your tvb hong kong serials! Anyway, the story this time: grandma fell in toilet yesterday because stupidity of certain uncle.
My grandma has been quite weak and vague for quite a long time after her bout of pneumonia in July. She is also bedridden and cant really recognize her family anymore, so has been staying in a nursing home for the last 3 months. She seems to be better these days though she still doesn't eat much, but at least she does not need a feeding tube anymore. Yes, back to yesterday... It seems that this uncle of mine wanted to bring my grandma to the toilet. Now, first of all, my grandma is wearing adult diapers and doesnt need to go to the toilet. Secondly, she cant really walk and is very weak, why else would she be in a nursing home right? Thirdly, she has been very vague these days and would answer "yes" for any questions you asked her.
"Are you hungry?"
"Are you thirsty?"
"Did my father come to see you today?"
"Did you have sharks fin for dinner?"
"Do you want to go to toilet?"
She just doesn't really understand what people say anymore. Apparently, according to this certain uncle, my grandma has been gesturing to him and to him, it would mean logically that she wanted to go to the toilet. He asked and of course, she said "yes". So, he "gallantly" helped my grandma up from her bed, walked her slowly to the toilet, put her on the toilet seat, turned around, walked out and CLOSED the toilet door! Amazing things that people do isn't it? Putting a weak and blur old woman, wearing her diaper, on the toilet seat, on her own, closing the door while you stand guard outside. Why on earth should he feel surprised when he heard a thud and her crying moments later? She was send to the hospital immediately, turned out that she had dislocated her right shoulder and fractured her right arm.
More amazingly, this uncle rang me out later that night telling me his side of the story. When i asked him why possessed him to let her go to the toilet on her own, he replied matter-of-factly "Its the female toilet mah, its not nice for me to go in with her right?". I applauded his logic right there and then, which of course he then told me i am too rude and all that.
The Aftermath:
Grandma needs to go to hospital next monday for another medical appointment. Someone needs to go with her. I will be in Japan by then. I cannot imagine if i were to have left last week what would have happened to them... Anyway, immediately this certain uncle told me that he would not be able to go with her because he has a school alumni gathering in Muar. Oh ya, he empharsized that he is the president of the alumni in singapore and he had already missed the gathering in Beijing last year. Of course, wouldn't want you to miss your gathering uncle dear. What about others?
"Sorry, an appointment with friends which i cannot push away." (certain fat aunty)
"Sorry, working and i cannot take leave course i need the money." (certain small aunty)
"Sorry, cannot make it." (certain gay uncle)
"...." (certain aunty which cannot be found)
Wonderful family support isn't it?
Anyway, this certain uncle actually had the... dare i say, audacity, to ask me if my father can come back from china, whether my brother can come back from australia or even perhaps i can don't go to japan... I am quite speechless. Probably from shock and seething anger I think. I really hate dealing with them. They make my teeth itch to bite something or someone. Looks like i have to sort out their mess again. You know how different people serve different function in a family? Like if you are the breadwinner, the housewife or the mediator? I guess my family has been appointed the official mess-sorter, caretaker, omnipotent solution giver for all situations for my father's side of the family. Not bad considering that my father has TEN siblings (and that's only from one side of Lee Clan - my granddad had two wives) and we are appointed such prestigious position. Oh well. Enough of sarcasm and really sort this thing out. I think one of these days i am going to hide somewhere where none of those people can ever find me.
Ya, I am going to hide now.
Sunday, December 8, 2002
I have been having such hectic weekends just going out with friends. It was quite weird initially being with two couples but everyone was real nice and we did have really good time at clubs, suppers, ktv and coffee. So much so that i have not been sleeping till at least 4am each day. Boy, its really cool not having to go to work and getting to sleep in the whole morning. Went to yoga yesterday morning after a 2 weeks lapse and got a really good workout/stretch. We also brought two other friends along and think everyone enjoyed it. I always feel really relaxed after yoga. We also bought yoga mats that came with its own carrier bag as well. Quite happy with myself in general.
Friday, December 6, 2002
Thursday, December 5, 2002
Well I am still here, when i should be in Japan. A real traumatising 3 days for me. First of all was running around getting stuff ready for my trip to Japan, changing money for my brother, packing stuff to send to him, buying things i need, sorting out library books, clarifying some phd application process, meet colleagues for department dinner, movie, pick up my dad from airport, send dad and brother off at airport, pick up mountain bike, change spore dollars to yen, and pack pack pack.
Now... that was before i found out, a day before my planned departure, which incidentally is at 9.30pm tonight 4/12/02, that i require a visa to enter japan. Yes. Visa. Tricky four letter word. Before anyone throw any brickbats at me, i assert that i DID check about visa requirements when i went to buy air tickets. Unfortunately the girl who sold me the tickets at chan brothers told me I do not need a visa because i am a spore PR. Wow. So much for trusting your travel agent. A well known one at that. The worse thing is, when i called their hotline to confirm visa requirements again, another person actually told me the same thing, though with less conviction, probably because its one day prior my departure.
Which is why for the whole day, on the 4th of december 2002, i was running from japan embassy at nassim road to chan brothers in south bridge road and back to japan embassy again to get my documents and visa application done. And it was only until 1pm today that i realize fully i wasn't going to be up on that plane with him after all, but join him one week later. In any case, it was off to M1 office in compass point to pick up another phone to be used in japan. Just my luck that japan don't support GSM phones. After getting the phone, i realized that they don't support SMS either. I must say i have seen much better days than these. In any case, he took the phone with him to japan which i am sure should come in useful somehow now even if he can't SMS with it. Then it is back home to wait for the DHL guys to pick up the package i wanted to send to my brother in london. Except... the guys never came. Called up DHL, turned out that they will be late. I requested they come between 5 to 6.30pm but they said they would be late and perhaps come after 8pm which was going to be impossible because i would be at the airport sending him off then! Did i say i have seen better days than these? Perhaps on second thoughts it is not such a bad thing that i have to stay in spore since the DHL guys can only come tomorrow. If i were to fly off tonight, my brother might have to do without his package.
See how i ramble?
Anyway, i have tons to do this week and i better make full use of my time here before i fly to Japan. But i really hate flying on my own when i can fly with company. Not the mention all that emotional trauma we went through because of this silly farce. Ho ho ho.
I really should be quite numb from life's little jokes by now huh?
Monday, December 2, 2002
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Was at borders today before the movie and got a couple of Asterix and Obelix comics for myself, a collection of fairy tale classics (peter pan, alice in wonderland and wizard of oz) for my little niece as a belated birthday present and a jigsaw puzzle book for another niece for her be-early birthday present on christmas eve since i would not be around then. Was also told off politely by borders' staff that adults are not suppose to sit at the children section story-reading area. Doh.
What a coincidence.
Bump into tony again and luckily this time he called out to me from behind on the escalator or else i would have missed him again.
Well good to see you again toys... or should i call you jedixus now?
Now i see how i have not recognized you that day, you are not wearing specs!! :)
Glad to have met lainey and fluffy too, though briefly. *chuckles*
Definitely caught by surprise.
What a day.
Thursday, November 21, 2002
Monday, November 18, 2002
Moved my brother's tv into my room to replaced to konked out ancient aiwa hi-fi set.
Suddenly my room seemed a little more... cheerful?
I guess a space never felt really empty til you put some things in it.
Never complained that my room was quiet before, but with the tv constantly playing,
i just realised it must have been quite silent before.
Not that i mind.
I just didn't really know that i minded it.
Do i mind it?
Or have i just realized that i need something which i never had before?
Sounds like a typical wet dream of a typical modern day sales-marketing exec -
selling people the idea/product that they never realized they nad wanted or needed till they are told so.
Ah.
The basic philosophy of advertising?
I think i will go switch off the tv now.
Saturday, November 16, 2002
Thursday, November 14, 2002
Now let's see...
was ill for abit but am better now.
cannot remember what i did during the weekend.
oh yes.
saturday went for yoga, visited ikea, felt sick, met some friends for potluck, pick up things from babes.
sunday volunteered from 7am till 3pm for car rally cos they raising money for my school, seemed fun, won the 3rd prize at the lucky draw (mountain bike).
this week, i am going to hold my breath till the week is over.
am so so so busy.
mornings are filled with screenings while afternoons are spent getting things ready for graduation and year-end party.
am so so so tired.
went to a wedding dinner today but left after the 3 dish cos he was sick and needed to see doctor.
lots of arrangements to do, buying things for my mom to be sent over by her friend, arrange for plane tickets for my brother, buying digital camera for another brother.
did i mention that i am tired?
coming saturday will not have yoga cos too rushed for me as there's singing in the rain performance at 2pm (yoga ends at 1), luckily yoga kaki also cannot make it.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
Tuesday, November 5, 2002
It was a surprise nonetheless.
I walked up to my room and my eye immediately caught a vague shadow from the corner of my eye in the dim sitting area outside my room. Its like a ghostly image, an impossibility which made me do a double take for a moment. I switched on the light to see my spanish porcelin doll, broken months ago, standing on the coffee table. Something lurched in my stomach and i caught my breath. How could it be? Wild thoughts run through my head. For months, she has laid in pieces, kept in a marks&spencer green plastic bag, along with a tube of porceline glue on the coffee table. Rememberance of time past when i panicked when my cat broke it. The familiar premonition of evil heralding in the horizon when i picked up the pieces. I intended to fix it so long ago, an object i couldn't help but associate as a symbol for my then rocky relationship. A misguided attempt, an idea that i would be able to ward off the evil eye only if i could fix the doll back, yet at the back of my mind i despaired. I never had the chance to fix it back as it was too late. And i had not touched it since.
Months passed. My life went through hell and back. So many readjustments, so many conflicts outside me, within me. I have come to a point when i felt that i could not moved on much further. I thought of ending the relationship, and let the pieces continue to lay broken on my coffee table despite several half-hearted thoughts of fixing the doll again. The crux came when even my necklace, my constant companion of four years, his gift to me broke as well. When he replaced the chain with a new one, a stronger one, i could not help but think that it could never be the same, ever. I could not, or would not look at the pieces of my life and put them back together. New things are never quite the same as the old. I know i gave him alot of pain because of this but that was what i believed. Yet today, my spanish doll stand upright again. Did he fix it? He couldn't have, i would have seen him. And he didn't. He couldn't. Yet she is there standing. It is as though... it was magic.
Of course there is a rational explanation for it all. As improbable as it was to me at the moment, i asked my maid if she had touched my broken doll and she casually told me she fixed it this afternoon. She did not say why. I did not ask why. Actually who fixed it was no longer an issue. I know i wouldn't. I know he couldn't. Perhaps the streak of mysticism in me wanted to believe in a certain divine intervention. Something magical which could fix the doll when we couldn't, wouldn't, giving me a hope i realized by now, could not come from within or from him. A sign. An omen. Something which cannot be explained but leaves my stomach hanging in the air.
She is standing and even though i had thought i would never put her back together again, i couldn't help but feel like i really want to protect her now. She looked so vulnerable with lines running through her hair, her skirts, her hands. She is standing with so many scars and i had almost forgotten how familiar she looked.
It probably sound silly and whimsical. I know i have been searching for a reason to continue but i could not trust myself nor him. Not yet. This may be the stupidest thing for one to believe in but i would take it. Because it happened just when i needed to believe in something. A sign. Yes. An omen. The little nudge to propell us forward which no one else can deliver. That is what the now standing spanish porcelin doll means to me.
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
What a crazy weekend with my emotions on a perpetual rollercoaster.
Had a chilling out saturday night halloween party at my place with friends eating tow huey, sausages, chips, salad with smoke salmon, cheese, bread, beer and drinks, watching silly horror movies. Not sure if everyone had fun cos everyone looked really tired. Must apologize to those who didn't really fancy watching horror movies. Maybe we should have a comedy night instead. Actually got some little costume thingies which i wanted to let everyone wear, but judging from the mood and my own insipid attitude, i think the stuff can be saved for next year.
Thursday, October 24, 2002
Monday, October 21, 2002
Some memories and thoughts are ingrained into your mind.
Seeped into your subconscious.
Its not something you have control of.
Its an insidious presense which leaves a slimy film over your reality.
Its pervasive.
Its subversive.
It does not eat away the original healthy memories.
Only seeking to perfect it into a mutated form.
A thinking parasite.
It grows with you.
It grows into you.
There is no cure but you may survive with it in co-existent if only you removed every other healthy living memories.
It can sustain you but when you attempt to start rebuilding, it will start attacking your infrastructure and weaken you even more.
You have to remain passive.
You cannot fight it.
To survive,
perhaps is to lose control.
Anything and everything can be a habit.
Having coffee every morning.
Jogging.
Smoking.
Drinking.
Clubbing.
If we want to and try, we can make new habits.
I can try to blog everyday.
I will go jogging each evening.
Roller blading every weekend.
Go for yoga on saturday.
Seeing you.
Or perhaps not seeing you.
Talking on the phone.
Smsing.
Logging on. Surfing webs.
And sometimes when we try hard enough, we can break our habits.
Quit smoking.
Quit drinking.
Quit sitting on my butt watching tv every night.
Quit logging on.
Quit seeing you.
Little habits i noticed for myself.
Brushing my teeth every morning and every night.
Visiting the toilet after meals.
Looking at my phone the minute i wake up.
Calling you.
Not calling you.
I am going to make new habits.
Sunday, October 20, 2002
Watched Changing Lanes alone last night.
Its my usual movie cum sushi dinner thing by myself.
Have not done that in ages.
The solitude was overpowering for a bit during dinner.
And i wonder what am i suppose to say to myself.
Then came the movie and it took the necessity of confronting myself out the window.
I am not sure i am ready to be my own friend again yet after being my own enemy for so long.
But i will try.
Past week.
Busy busy busy.
Had to help plan the script and what nots of filming one of my kids for a presentation at a conference.
That's really just extra work.
Not to say i am complaining, after all, i am glad to be given that kind of responsibility.
Just tiring at times.
Then was specifically "requested" by big boss to emcee for our volunteer appreciation day together with my collegue despite her wanting us to reprise our D&D performance again next friday. Its really crazy to have to prepare all that while we are having case conference. Not to mention emcee-ing.
Urgh.
Can't say no i guess.
I want to sit down and have dinner for once in peace.
Sigh.
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
thus far...
went to a couple of art events.
no. not the opening of the esplanade.
instead, there was the art fair at suntec where he has a piece of work being displayed last thursday.
then there was the ongoing worm festival at pkw where we caught two perfomance art by an artist from indonesia.
there was also the 3 table steamboat dinner on saturday night.
sunday we spent the morning buying running shoes for him at queenstown
then the rest of the afternoon at the bird park checking out the birds.
was horribly crowded due to some family day event.
monday night, a night of tables overturning on some.
tonight, had dinner with friends at turf city and went shopping at giant.
got tomato juice.
from now till the rest of the week, suddenly laden with unsuspected work which required urgent attention.
now, suddenly my cat is licking my emptied glass of tomato juice.
Wednesday, October 9, 2002
Tuesday, October 8, 2002
Monday, October 7, 2002
Sunday, October 6, 2002
Thursday, October 3, 2002
Wednesday, October 2, 2002
Tuesday, October 1, 2002
Right.
I propose that every week should have a day like this.
Where one of your workday will be a half day.
Where you can go bowling and shooting pool with your colleagues and friends.
Where you can call up folks and gloat about not working.
Where you can sit by the cafe with young people playing truant from school.
And its doubly sweet when it is a monday!
And guess what?
Tomorrow is a holiday as well.
Ha ha ha.
Sunday, September 29, 2002
I really want to do something that you'll like for your birthday.
Please don't accept what i say due to a lack of better ideas.
It is so horrible to rack my brains thinking and planning
only to have you making other plans or coming up with alternatives just so easily.
Yes.
I do know that you have no other plans in mind.
But really.
If you really like my idea... why are you considering others?
Perhaps its just me again.
Always making plans.
Me making plans which you might not like.
Plans which you accept for the lack of better?
Plans which you accept just to make me happy?
I much rather if you will tell me if you would rather do something else.
Will i feel better when one day you turn around and tell me you never wanted to do them.
But felt compel to.
How will i feel then?
What is the difference?
One day.
When you cease to like me, everything that had happened would feel like a compulsion.
Perhaps.
I just wanted to plan something to do that you will enjoy.
If only i know what.
If only you will tell me.
I really hate guessing anymore.
What if i am wrong?
I don't think i can affort to be wrong anymore.
Thursday, September 26, 2002
Speaking of art exhibitions that i liked... Matthew ngui's exhibition in substation which i saw last sunday was superb as well. Its one of the better combination of subject matter, process, methodology and end results that i have seen for a long time. This guy is a real pro. Just looking at the details and thoughts and efforts put into the piece was enough to awe me. I won't even attempt to systematically take it apart for analysis here because the pieces just fitted so well together. Sometimes artists can have great ideas but loses out in its execution. Other times, a great looking piece falls hallow because of a lack of depth. Matthew's show is one of those which is a good example of how ideas and methods can merge so beautifully to give such intriging and thoughtful art work. I would not venture to compare this piece with others and discuss their relative merits but given my limited understanding of art as a layman, i can only say that i admire him for his thoughfulness in his execution to bring out his message and the beauty of the art itself.
Highly recommended for the art teacher to bring his students, who has been struggling to convey to them the importance of both subject matter and the process. :)
Went to see Shing's exhibition at PKW on tuesday.
I really enjoyed it. After going to several art exhibitions where the space has a pure functional purpose (i.e. to contain the various art pieces), i particularly enjoy this one where the space itself is the focus. And not just the focus, but to push the space further into an art piece on its own right. The simplicity of the whole installation is both effective and pleasing. Canvas of the tile motifs and details of the railings from the space were recreated, which was then added on to the original space, giving it an added dimension.
Physical space in its entirety is limited so it is heartening to see how much the loft ontop of 61 kerbau road has grown after Shing's "treatment". It is as if the silent , largely been ignore space where countless of individual art pieces has nested and been admired, suddenly bloomed in its own right. It is as if the space has decided to rebel, stand up and speak for itself. And how eloquently too. On the whole, the feeling i have when i stepped into the space is that it is no longer static, but dynamic and a sense of movement prevails. It is the little hint of eruption on the floor. The slow advance march of the railings. Its a little like Alice in Wonderland coming alive. It is both animated and surreal. For a moment, i had debated if this sense of movement could have been made more apparent or perhaps even push the space into a kalediscope of movements. But on second thoughts, it is exactly the simplicity, the mere hint of something happening that made it so exciting. It is perhaps the tension of something on the brink of action, on the verge of explosion that made it all the more promising than the actual event when it happened. It is the beginning that i see and the potential, rather than the result.
I was already rather intriged when i saw some of the materials that she had prepared for the exhibition and i must say the end result is indeed captivating.I could probably describe it more vividly but it probably wouldn't do much justice to it, given my poor command of language. Besides, it would be too much of a giveaway for anyone who want to go take a look. In any case, i enjoyed it and kudos to Shing for sharing it.
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
The fact is, i am really really happy for you.
And proud too.
And i mean everything i said about being glad and not angry with you.
It is feeling all these, knowing how i should act so as to not stress you out
and yet, there are other feelings too.
I am disappointed.
Quite so.
But it is so difficult to hide that, so that you cannot see it.
So that you will not feel that i am angry with you.
So that you can prepare for japan knowing that i am behind you all the way.
So that you will no longer keep feeling stress and worry about my reaction.
I am sorry i couldn't mask it better.
I wish i can tell you that despite feeling disappointed,
i am really really happy for you too.
And proud.
Sometimes my emotions get better of me.
Its knowing what i shouldn't do but couldn't stop myself.
Now, you must be disappointed in me.
I admit that i had alot of hopes and plans for holidays.
I thought going on a trip with you will help things.
Its only my over reliance on making plans and being too hopeful.
3 weeks road trip seemed like a cure for cancer.
But that is not being realistic.
There are more important things and i know that.
Which is why i honestly cannot say that i am angry with you.
Or that i want you to turn down the offer even.
I have not considered that.
I appreciated you letting me know in advance.
Caring about my feelings before you even agreed to write the proposal.
I stand by what i said: go for it.
I know how hard and rare such chances were to come by.
I am only sorry that now that the proposal is accepted, i cannot help feeling disappointed.
Or sad.
I am only angry with myself for feeling like this.
Being selfish.
You should be disappointed in me instead.
I wish i am better.
Monday, September 23, 2002
I toyed with the idea of talking to her.
Just to find out how she felt about what has happened.
Perhaps i am curious to know why she did what she did.
Just like i am curious to know why he did what he did.
Why i did what i did.
Would it help?
I am not sure.
Why dig it all back up again?
Do i matter to her?
Does she know what she has done to me?
What have i done to her?
Does she know that i am scared of her?
Perhaps in her eyes, i am the interloper... the one who screwed things up for her.
Its all a matter of perspectives.
It is only an idea that i am toying with.
Letting it go.
Letting it all go away.
I need to get better.
Am i better?
How would i know?
I am my own best and worst doctor.
I have to subject myself to thoughts that test the system.
How do i feel?
Can i tolerate more of it?
Has the pain dulled? numbed?
Using a fine needle to test each area.
No... not this part... this feels okie.. I am still standing...
No... not there. Not here.
Automatic shutdown.
Good. Automatic shutdown is working.
Things used to explode.
Does that mean i am better?
Have i covered all the areas?
Which memories has faded? Which has not?
I need to go through them meticulously.
It is a form of self abuse but how would i know if i don't go through it?
How would i know that they wouldn't hurt me anymore?
I need to know.
I need to know that i will be okie.
I need to know that i can survive.
I need to know that when things happened not within my control, i can withstand it.
I need to know hence i am subjecting myself to these experiments.
Controlling the variables... the intensity... the degree of hurt... the circumstances...
But even the best scientist cannot always keep things within their control.
And so, things explode once in a while.
At least, with proficiency, failure rate does reduce.
Today, it has been successful.
Its like experimenting with different antidote to see which work for each specific problem.
Today i found one for part of the problem.
I subjected myself to the venom, tested the serum, and survived.
The venom did not hurt me as much anymore.
I came back standing. Smiling.
I need to know.
Bottom line is, if i don't know, i will never have the confidence to be well. Be healthy.
Screwed up logic perhaps.
But don't we all do what we can to survive?
I will not stand by the fairground, looking and believing i am safe from the rides
when i may be roped into one and then collapse because i am not prepared.
I will grind my teeth and go through each and everyone of them no matter how scared i am.
I need to know i can survive it.
On my terms.
I need to know.
What does it mean to be well and healthy?
I don't remember how it used to be with us.
Aren't we suppose to have a chance to create something better?
What is better?
Something must change i know.
But what?
I am perplexed.
I wish i know.
Things are to wait till i am well and healthy.
Is it mutually exclusive? changing and getting well?
I wish i know what exactly i am suppose to look forward to.
What i am suppose to put my hopes in.
What a busy week.
Bought a bikini.
Walked around chinatown.
Played some pool.
Had dinners.
Quarrelled.
Got upset.
Got better.
Went rollerblading with collegues.
Had coffee.
Went to friend's housewarming.
Had dinner.
Played with lantern.
Played at playground.
Discovery joys of springing playground equipment.
Watched monty python.
Had security.
Felt safe.
Had dim sum.
Visited substation.
Had few ideas.
Visited library@esplanade.
Signed up for membership.
Borrowed musical scores.
Bought new book.
Had dinner.
Received pendant as present.
Felt secure.
Bought shorts for wakeboarding.
Accompany one to buy work pants.
Had watermelon.
Watched season finale of star trek.
Spoke to brother in london.
Time for bed.
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
Bro leaving tonight for london.
Wonder if he is prepared.
Shouldn't have to worry too much since this won't be his first time going overseas to study.
Reminded me of the first time he left for another country.
He was just 16 then.
But he already seemed so old.
I remembered that my parents were away in Korea at the time so only me, my youngest brother, and a cousin who drove us there, sent him off at changi airport. My mom chose delibrately to leave the country so that she wont have to send him, her first son, off to a foreign land for the few years. At that time i thought she was being cruel to him. But perhaps she was only trying to be kind to both of them. My brother and mother shares a certain bond that makes us, the rest of the children, "accuse" her of favouritism. Far from being jealous, i think it has become a joke, a piece of family fact that we dust off once in a while to embarrass them both for a laugh. I would imagine now that if she had been there, 8 years ago, to send him off, it would have been torturing for her and him as well. Silly old me was crying my eye balls out that night and even my younger bro looked teary. This time round it would just be me, the solo farewell committee since the rest of the family is all over the world. To think about it, 8 years ago was the start of our family venturing out, so much so that we are seldom at home in Singapore together save chinese new year. But i don't think any of us actually feel like we have grown apart during these times, instead i think we have grown more understanding, closer and started treating each other better. For example, relationship with your "at times overbearing mother" must improve if she has lesser chance of nagging at you right? Well, it worked and with moderm communication system, china or australia or london is only a phonecall away.
Now that bro is leaving,
it would be just me and my maid at home.
For a time, it was me, my grandma and my maid.
The house will seem empty.
But it is just something new to get used to.
I remembered writing a long encouraging letter to my brother just before he left 8 years ago. I remembered him lingering around behind the check in counter, waving to us across the glass panels. I imagined that his eyes were red. How frightening it must be for a 16 year old. No matter how old he seemed. And now, my friends are amazed at how callous we treat sending off a family member. We customarily toss each other out of the car infront of the terminal before saying goodbye and driving off. Yes, even my youngest brother. We took turns to be tossed, proceeded to the check in counter and setting off in our journeys. It is like taking a bus. Like london is pasir ris. Like china is tuas. But this is our family, lenghty farewells where all the extended families gather is alien and uncomfortable. I am the one amazed that for some friends, despite leaving year after year for studies, everyone still turned up for a big send-off. Guess our family are the ones standing on the other side of the glass panels.
I wondered if bro has packed everything he needed.
Mom called to remind me to pack his rice cooker.
Prepare his fried ikan bilis.
Bro reminded me for the umpteen time to give him a copy of my bank acc/no.
Had a minor tassle with bro about the number of shirts he is bringing.
He has enough for a month without needing to do his laundry.
"That's the point!"
Well, everything sounds familiar yet how strange that i am feeling this way, nostalgic and whimsical, despite the years of detachment regarding travelling. We are never scared to venture forward, to a new place. But it would be sad if the excitement dies and all you feel is detached. I think i am glad my family is on the other side of the glass panel. To view flying away as a form of opportunities and strangely, as a form of long journey going home, because eventually we all will. Back to point zero. It might not be frequent but it sure means a hell lot when it happens.
So, till we meet again bro, take care and have fun.
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
Was contemplating buying a digital camera to take pictures.
But realized that i much prefer looking at and touching a real photo than looking through photos on the computer.
Yes, i realize you can print out digital photos like the real thing.
But there is certain satisfaction of using and manipulating film
or fiddling around with a manual camera.
Heck. An idiot proof camera even.
Yes. I am funny that way.
Stuart reminds me of my cat.
Well, i know stuart is a mouse.
But then, alot of things reminds me of my cat.
Perhaps furry things reminds me of my cat.
No. Snowbell don't remind me of my cat.
I think animated cute furry things remind me of my cat.
Which goes to show, perhaps then, my cat must be cute.
Ya. That must be it.
So if i say you remind me of my cat.
It is really a compliment.
Monday, September 9, 2002
Company D & D was hilarious.
Our item was chaotic at first but it was good fun.
All my colleagues enjoyed it though it must have looked amaturish to others who don't know us.
That's the nicest feeling really.
To have friends come up to you and tell you how much they enjoyed your efforts.
And hear them laugh.
Its heartening to see how much everyone appreciated us.
It made us feel like all those hard work was worth it.
Despite us saying how we wish we can sit down and enjoy a decent meal for once, i know my colleagues and I would do it again at the drop of a hat if they asked us again next year.
Its hard to control my emotions but i am trying.
I wish that i can say i am alright but at least i am trying to appear alright.
I don't know why i give myself such choices.
It has to be extremes.
All or nothing.
But when i get into such a state, i cannot choose otherwise.
Perhaps i cannot see what other options i really do have.
Perhaps other options are just too difficult.
However, i am glad people who stuck through with me.
Giving me encouragement.
Giving us encouragement.
At least, i have someone i can count on even when i cannot believe in myself or him,
there is someone whom i can hold on to and keep me anchored.
Thank you angie.
Thursday, September 5, 2002
Tuesday
She turned up.
She called.
Why do you always insist that i accept things?
Why do you always make me go through such things?
Why do you always disregard how i feel?
I don't know what to say.
I don't know how to convey how i feel.
How can i explain that you will always continue to delibrately make such choices to hurt me?
You knew.
I didn't matter enough.
How did you expect i would react?
Is she more important then?
Monday, September 2, 2002
Its a monday that felt like a sunday.
Good not to be working on a monday. Certainly everyone should start the week like this. Its teacher's day holiday again. Have been spending the weekend helping wilk to set up for his exhibition. Not that i am much help really. Finally everything is up and looking good.
Incidentally, the exhibition is at Plastic Kinetic Worms at Kerbau Rd. Open on tuesday 3rd sept at 6.30pm.
Now i have to concentrate on the preparation for my "Performance" for my company 10th year anniversary dinner and dance. So much for the one week school holidays.
Wednesday, August 28, 2002
Monday, August 26, 2002
Saturday night.
This is the first time someone bought me a dress for a present.
The dress is a red with floral prints, thin shoulder straps and long.
Its very elegant and i shall be wearing it for the formal dinner next week.
I also received a black shawl to go along with the dress.
I liked it very much.
Thank you.
Saturday afternoon.
Friend's baby girl is one month old. I had the chance to carry her in my arms for a while. All i thought about was how much she had grown since i saw her (when she was 1 day old). She slept in my arms. And many other arms before mine. I was worried if she was comfortable being cradled in my arms. She squirmed a little and opened her eyes. Did i feel something momentuous? No. I just hoped that she wouldn't cry. Only when she was taken from me, i realized that perhaps it would have been more appropriate to think about more symbolic things. Perhaps of life and death. Of being parents. Of being married. Of having children. Of responsibilities. But all i cared about is if she would be uncomfortable and start to cry in my arms.
What is my life and hereafter?
Will i be lonely?
What thoughts are these?
Am i lacking in something?
What should i really be thinking?
Its been awhile. What have i been up to? I am not really sure. Days passed by in a haze really. I remember meeting a friend for coffee on impulse. Had an interesting chat. When was the last time i did something on a spur of a moment? Plenty of times. These days i don't know what i am really thinking. I am grappling with the fact that perhaps i am more common than i think i am. I don't think deep thoughts. No insightful nuggets of wisdoms to share. Really plain. I can't even look at the everyday things that happened around me and try to derive some deeper meaning in them. I had dinner. Perhaps lunch. I worked. I came home. I slept. I drove to and fro. This is me. This is my life.
Is it important to have meaning in one's life? Another existentialistic train of thought? But really, i seldom go further than that. I thought that i needed meaning. Well, human beings need a purpose don't they? I thought i had some. Well, i thought. But these days, i don't think i do. I moved from moment to moment. No bigger picture in mind. I work for small goals. If you can call it goals. But there are times when i think there must be a bigger, grander meaning to my life. That will boost my ego. I looked for it half-heartedly during my spare time. Like now. But to be critical, there really isn't. I don't loom very large in the general scheme of things, of life. But then, majority of the people don't. Perhaps some of us would like to think that we are. Oh sure, we live for ourselves. I tell myself that to make myself feel bigger within my own self concept. Do others really care? Its pretty senseless. Such common drivel. I am common. You are common. Yet we tell ourselves that we are unique. No one is born the same. It satisfy my ego.
I make decisions based on what immediate or short term results i would get. The focus is narrow. How do i make it happy? Where should i stand? What should i say? What must i do? Little motions of the body and words being conveyed. Short term goals. Immediate reinforcement. Consequences. No bigger plan in mind.
Sunday, August 18, 2002
Philosophy in a sushi diner.
Imagine that God is the guy behind the little window, churning out little plates of sushi and dishing them out onto the conveyor belt of life.
You can look at what life has to offer you and make a choice.
There might be nothing you like on the belt, but God never promised that he will make everything to your order.
Bad options are still choices. You always have a choice.
There are three types of consumer.
One that happily takes what there is on offer.
One that complains about everything on the belt but still takes what there is on offer.
One that decided, fuck it, and not eat sushi altogether.
Getting the waiter to go talk to the chef is not an option.
Sunday afternoon. Playground.
Two boys, aged around 11 and 8 tied a long piece of rubber hose around the ankles of a little boy lying beneath the monkey bars. They were attempting to pull the little boy up by his ankles using the rubber hose slung off one of the bars like a pulley. Surprisingly, or perhaps not so surprisingly, the little boy, who must be around 4 or 5, was just as enthusiastic if not more, and was happily complying to instructions given in their various attempts to make the experiment work. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, none of the boys had enough strenght and the experiment was abandoned halfway.
Friday, August 16, 2002
Thursday, August 15, 2002
Do i have the right to insist on making you keep everything that affects me away?
Her gifts drove me up the wall.
But then, they're your possessions.
Not mine.
Unfortunately, i cannot be wholly detached from their existence
because what i am now, is a consequence of what it has been.
I am selfish.
I care very much about how i am feeling.
Perhaps that will always comes first now.
I can't help that.
Sunday, August 11, 2002
The difference between a specially bought gift and personal one that belonged to someone once.
I have never given a gift which belonged to myself to someone else.
Especially if i like the object.
Am i selfish?
Why do i take the easy way out of buying a totally new gift abeitedly sought after with care?
Is it the easy way out?
I felt pale in comparision to the person who would give away their possessions.
I tore up a book on sunday.
I was shocked.
I have always loved books but i hated this one.
Hated it for the meanings that came with it.
I tore out a page and it took all of my strength.
Strength which came out of impulsivity.
Almost ferocious.
Despite my love and respect for books, despite being shocked, i did not regret it.
Infact, i wanted to incinerate the whole book.
Burn it to ashes.
I still do.
Was down at the UK funfair on saturday at Jurong.
Spent almost $70, mainly on games (didn't win anything except a small bear) and two rides, G-force & Ferris Wheel.
I enjoyed blowing my mind out with fear on gravity defying rides.
Can't say my partner agreed with me.
Nonetheless, he volunteered to go with me on the G-force despite his fear of heights.
I thought it was pretty brave of him, especially when i didn't asked him to.
He went up, i felt partially, was due to wanting to keep me company.
And this was the same person who had said that i could never get him onto one of these rides for a million dollars.
The moments while stuck up in the air before the ride began was pretty frightening.
"I hate you alice"
"I hate you too"
After that, we started to scream.
He went on screaming for a while, and i wondered if his eyes were closed.
I had my eyes wide open and after a few seconds, i stopped screaming as well.
As I went round and round, seeing the world from different angles, i felt strangely detached.
Perhaps i am getting immune to the excitement.
I used to enjoy such rides because it makes your mind numb and wipe out your ability to think for the moment.
It didn't happened on this ride.
"Are you still alive?" he asked as he noticed my silence, during a lull before the next gravity-defying lurch.
I screamed a little after that just to reassure him that i am.
The ride ended and i was happy.
The ride itself was a tad of a disappointment but i was glad that he was with me.
Tuesday, August 6, 2002
Monday, August 5, 2002
Lately i have been thinking of going overseas to pursue my doctorate. It has always been a goal that i have, perhaps more for the vanity of being called Dr. Lee. I think my parents are edging me on as well. Especially recently after what has happened. I am tempted to say the least. After all, my parents are supportive and i really ought to consider going before my PR in australia expires in the next two years (i am sure the aussies will take it back since i have not stayed in the country for the mandatory 3 years or something). I have seriously considered it before, but i would say that my decision of not doing it now is exactly the same as last time, notwithstanding what had happened in recent months; i simply do not have enough experience to generate any ideas for a research paper. I am happy doing the sort of clinical work i am doing now. But yet, i know it is not going to be enough in the long run. I have told myself just when i started work, that i would give myself 3 years at this job before accumulating enough experience and grounding for further studies. Now, i am half way through that 3 years and am still floundering with ideas. For a brief period of time, i have thought that if i were to get married within this 3 years, i would put my studies plans on hold for a while. But i guess, that is pretty much redundant. But that is alright, the first thing i have learnt about all these is that, i am way, way off from talking about the golden arches. And i really do not expect that to happen anytime soon, if at all. My youngest brother has been quite encouraging and edged me to join him in australia. In a way, probably to "help" me get over my personal problems. But seriously, no one should mistaken that i have decided not to go now, is because of relationship. It is never meant to be time now to leave. Not even if i have broken up or happily together with someone in a relationship. I think studies has never been an excuse for me. I do want it. On my own terms. When the time comes, i would go for it. If i am still in a relationship then, we will have to find a way to make it work. If i am not, it just meant one thing less for me to worry about. But rest assured that i will go when i am ready.
Thursday, August 1, 2002
Well, two fridays ago, A1 dropped by my school filming for part of the President Star Charity show where we are one of the beneficiary. It was pretty exciting and the boys were cuter on real life than on TV. Especially Christian. I guess i am now officially a "boyband fan". You should see how they drove the maids hanging ard out school wild and screaming.
Tuesday, July 30, 2002
It has been a long haul for me. Probably for many around me. Ultimately i am the only one left to pick up the pieces. Frankly how many can help me to do that? Not that i expect anyone to. Not even him really though he tried what he could. Perhaps i am like nursing a sick puppy in my arms refusing to let the vet take a look at it. Perhaps the hurt is there and will never go away. Question is, what do i want to do about it. There was a time i didn't want to do anything. I did not want to forget. There might be some sadistic pleasure in it, abusing of self, but why lie and say that i can let go when i know that i cannot. Not by a long mile. And most possibly, this is what going to damned the second chance that we are having in this relationship. I refused to accept that it has come to that, our second chance. I still alternate between anger and hurt, to move on and to stay on because i have not rid my system of all the poison fed into it. I have been screwed up badly. Perhaps i should say "had", but some hurt fester. Will this? Everyone must be sick of me twisting and turning around in circles on the same spot. Some sadistic pleasure. To constantly dig up painful memories. Why? Everyone liked to know. I would like to know too.
Actually i do think i am better. These "attacks" come less frenquently. But when it comes, i drove everyone crazy. Everyone? Perhaps just him. Looking at my blog. I have written about nothing else. I madden me. Or is that the other way round? The degree of self involvment is staggering. I am sick of myself now really. Time to pick myself up and be angry somewhere else. Somewhere no one else would see me while living the rest of my life the way i used to. Time to cover up the pain and let them ache out of sight. Its really time isn't it? Things must be getting better. Perhaps i see the exit out of deep forest but refused to move out. I don't know what is waiting for me. But its really time to move out whether i like to or not. More for his sanity since i have lost mine somewhere.
The blog will be a good place to start.
Time to write about other things.
Thursday, July 25, 2002
You are not interested to know whats happening to me
and i am also afraid to let you know.
For fear of giving you pressure.
For fear of giving you stress.
For fear of driving you away.
For you i must control my impulses, my delusions.
I wish i could help you.
I wish you could help me.
But you are unwilling to let me help you.
Perhaps i can't do it.
Yet i really wanted to.
To feel useful.
To feel needed.
To feel wanted.
How can you help me?
You really have no time.
I don't blame you for that.
You can't help it.
I wish i could help you.
I am so afraid to let you see what's happening with me.
Because you don't want to.
Do you know?
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
Perhaps there is a need to keep things short because of what i've become.
Paranoid.
Especially when time is limited.
Its knowing what i have became and trying to do something about it.
I do not have control over my thoughts.
It is always a losing battle.
Some days are better.
I gave my monstrous shadow a few good whacks before it claimed me.
But i will probably lose this one.
On my own.
I just need to keep myself alive till the next day.
Do you know what effect you have?
The things you do, the things you say, the attitude you have.
Don't hide things from me.
Yet i know you do that to save yourself time.
Precious time.
Especially today.
Its doing certain things and knowing why it has to done.
Don't lie to me.
The process of paranoia is never nice to watch.
Some days i can see myself deteriorating.
Other days it happened too fast.
It is upon me before i know what happened.
Some times you are around to make it okie.
Other times are... like now.
You can't.
Perhaps not because you don't want to.
But you can't.
Deeper and deeper i go.
Darker and darker my thoughts become.
Halt.
Trying to put on the brakes.
Stop stop stop.
If i can continue typing here and rationalizing as i go along,
perhaps it will.
But i am so tired.
I want to give up and sink beneath the murky waters.
It takes so much of me to keep a tiny side of me here,
continuing typing
prolonging the eventuality of descent.
You talk to me more you said.
Can such things be measured?
Quantity?
I need you to talk to me when it matters.
But now it matters all the time.
Dilemma.
See how my dark thoughts intrude even here?
Should i give myself up now?
Who is here to help me?
I have to keep reminding myself that it is not me.
If she called, it would be the same.
It has become harder and harder to convince myself.
My thoughts run wild.
She must have called just now.
Did i hear something in your tone of voice?
How many rings it took before you picked up the phone?
She must have emailed as well.
Did you reply her?
You promised you wouldn't!
Slow down.
Out of control.
You promised.
I am trying my hardest.
Don't you know?
I am trying my hardest to believe you, to trust you.
Don't you understand?
I am really trying my best.
Why is it not good enough?
Draining.
I know the quickest solution to all these thoughts.
Have a sleeping pill and pass into oblivion.
At least for tonight.
You said you will talk to me tomorrow.
I am trying so hard to not take that solution.
But i really cannot stand it anymore.
These violently rolling thoughts are getting out of control.
And too much to bear.
I want to be well!!!!!!!!!!!
I have succumbed.
Sometimes its unfortunate.
Wrong time, wrong phone call.
Yet i couldn't yet but wonder if its just that
or only me.
Hows the email, sms, phonecall situation today?
You really wanted to end the conversation.
If she were to call now, would it be the same?
Or only me?
I turn around to go back to face my own thoughts.
Thoughts i do not want to have.
Is that something wrong with us?
Or only me?
Friday, July 19, 2002
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
Somedays you can be worse than a passerby.
WIth passerby, they are part of the natural surroundings.
Nothing comes attached.
Yet with you, there is a pervasive sense of alienation.
A delibrate alienation.
Nothing is the same i know.
I cannot feel anything from you.
I cannot sense anything from you.
Other than obligation and perhaps,
a conscious need to appear like you are not trying to avoid.
Is this trying?
I held myself back.
From feeling and saying things.
I curbed my impulses for you.
That is expected of me.
What is expected of you?
Time?
Merely time?
Time which showed me over and over again that
perhaps you aren't even convinced about why you are here.
Do i hold you back?
Are you being responsible?
I cannot tell.
I had been in deep forest
where time passes by
and didn't mean a thing.
Desolute and overwhelming,
I lost all.
Some days, all i see and feel
are darkness around me.
Occasionally, a ray.
I did not try to find my way
out of deep forest.
I did not feel the need.
But at least now, I am looking for an exit,
despite seeing none.
I am looking.
